A woman is beaten every nine seconds in the United States. Domestic
violence is the most under-reported crime in the country, with the
actual incidence 10 times higher than is reported.
Eighty percent of children who live in homes where domestic violence
occurs witness the abuse.
On average, four women are murdered every day by their male partner
in the U.S.
Women in the U.S. are in nine times more danger in their own homes
than they are in the street.
According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 95 percent of reported
spousal assaults are committed by men against women. Assaults committed
by women against men occur in approximately 5 to 10 percent of
domestic violence matters.
About 17 percent of women report experiencing physical or sexual
violence during pregnancy.
Battering prior to pregnancy is the primary predictor that battering
will occur during pregnancy.
Domestic violence is one of the nation's best-kept secrets.
Domestic violence is about one person getting and keeping power
and control over another person in an intimate relationship. The abusive
person might be your current or former spouse, live-in lover or dating
partner. A psychologist and law school professor who is an expert in
domestic violence has described it as "a pattern of behavior in which one
intimate partner uses physical violence, coercion, threats,
intimidation, isolation and emotional, sexual or economic abuse to control and
change the behavior of the other partner."
Domestic violence happens to people of all ages, races,
ethnicities, and religions. It occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex
relationships. Economic or professional status does not indicate domestic
violence - abusers and victims can be laborers or college professors, judges
or janitors, doctors or orderlies, schoolteachers, truck drivers,
homemakers or store clerks. Domestic violence occurs in the poorest ghettos,
the fanciest mansions and white-picket-fence neighborhoods.
About 95% of victims of domestic violence are women. Over 50% of
all women will experience physical violence in an intimate relationship,
and for 24-30% of those women, the battering will be regular and
on-going. Every 15 seconds the crime of battering occurs. Most abusers are
men. They may seem gentle, mean, quiet or loud, and may be big or
small. There is some evidence that shows boys who grow up with domestic
violence often become abusers as adults, however, many abusers are from
non-violent homes, and many boys from violent homes do not grow up to be
abusive.
The law defines domestic violence in very specific ways. Every
state and U.S. territory has laws that allow its courts to issue
protection orders, as do many Indian tribes. Each state, territory or tribe
decides for itself how to define domestic violence and how its laws will
help and protect victims, so the laws are different from one jurisdiction
to another. Although you may be a victim of domestic violence, the
laws in your jurisdiction may be written in a way that does not include or
protect you. This does not mean that you are not a victim, and it does
not mean that you should not seek help.
The law is a useful and important tool for increasing safety and
independence, but it is not the only tool. In addition to legal
assistance, you might benefit from safety planning, medical care, counseling,
economic assistance and planning, job placement, childcare, eldercare or
pet care assistance, or many other types of practical help and advice.
You can seek assistance from advocates, shelters, support groups, the
National Domestic Violence Hotline, and perhaps even your religious
leader or doctor.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE is a pattern of abusive behavior which keeps one
partner in a position of power over the other partner through the use of
fear, intimidation and control.
PHYSICAL ABUSE: Grabbing, pinching, shoving, slapping, hitting, hair
pulling, biting, etc. Denying medical care or forcing alcohol and/or
drug use.
SEXUAL ABUSE: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact
without consent, e.g., marital rape, forcing sex after physical beating,
attacks on sexual parts of the body or treating another in a sexually
demeaning manner.
ECONOMIC ABUSE: Making or attempting to make a person financially
dependent, e.g., maintaining total control over financial resources,
withholding access to money, forbidding attendance at school or employment.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE: Undermining a person's sense of self-worth, e.g.,
constant criticism, belittling one's abilities, name calling, damaging a
partner's relationship with the children.
PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE: Causing fear by intimidation, threatening
physical harm to self, partner or children, destruction of pets and
property, mind games or forcing isolation from friends, family, school and/or
work.
AM I BEING ABUSED?
CHECKLIST
Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being
treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares,
hurts or continually puts down the other person, it's abuse.
Does your partner:
____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?
____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?
____ Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are
where you said you would be?
____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or
abusing you?
____ Blame you for how they feel or act?
____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren't ready for?
____ Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?
____ Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with
your friends or family?
____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere
after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?
Do you?
____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner's
behavior?
____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed
something about yourself?
____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your
partner angry?
____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you
want?
____ Stay with you partner because you are afraid of what your partner
would do if you broke-up?
If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone.
Without some help, the abuse will continue.
The Letter
Why do you beat me when you come home?
What am I doing that is making you want to hurt me?
Why do you hurt our children?
What did they do to deserve to be hurt by you?
You have put me into the hospital so many times I lost count.
You have hurt our babies.
I stop lying for you. I stop covering up the bruises I have that you made.
I write this letter to you, to let you know I wont take this abuse any more.
I Pray to God to take me out of this situation I have done all I could do to love and share love and nothing that I do pleases you. I cannot take this abuse any more. i wont take it any more.
I deserve better my children deserve better.
I have to leave you.
I write this letter to you to say good bye.
This is written for all the domestic abuse victims.
I was one myself so I know the pain that we go through.
You can get help. You do not have to let anyone abuse you.
You have the strength inside of you just reach out and ask for help.
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Unheard Silence
I sit silent in the cold dark night
For I shall never speak again
My desperate cries in the moonlight
Cowardly I drown my sorrows in sin
Love, I will express no more
Pleasures, I will no longer feel
Careless actions closed the door
To what I thought was real
Dreams of heartfelt devotion
Wishes of friends so true
All came to a screeching halt
The day I fell for you
My heart has been shattered
My voice you'll never hear
My bodies bruised and battered
The light is drawing near
My children without their mother
My life now stripped away
All because of your jealous temper
That fateful October day
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This strengthens my resolve to look into the link between physical punishment by parents and child and spouse abuse by their offspring when they reach adulthood.. It seems to me that to tell a child, "I am hurting you because I love you" makes the child think that not only is it okay to hurt a family member, n o t to do so is wrong. A sign of lack of love!
The key is to never forget…ever. And use that knowledge to help others. Knowledge is key and better yours that is already there than those that aren’t.
If any of you know where I can locate statistics that show that most adults who abuse family members were severely punished when they were growing up, I would appreciate it if you would post the information, or tell me where I can find it.
Also like to hear from you if someone you know acts as if they think that to love someone means that it is their duty to punish them. Or that to be loved means to be punished.
Do you believe there is a connection between sado-masochism and having been punished as a child?
Feedback along these lines would be very helpful.
I do not know where to locate statistics but I know many people who were abused as children and repeated the abuse down the line. When they do not get help they continue what they were taught down the line.
Sadomasochism I can see it coming from being abused as a child not just punished having a punishment is different then being abused. I have met people who take pleasure in pain, sexual pain, or mental pain, or physical pain, upon them self or on others because that was what they were used to from the abuse they may have experienced.
I used to hurt myself, cut myself or find men to hurt me because the pain on the outside felt better then the pain that was going on in the inside. I then had gotten help and started to heal so I do not do those things any more.
I never went as far as what sadomasochist is. I have met people who have though
I think this is such a complicated issue that a brief post such as this is not going to do it justice.
I have encountered many abuse survivors who go on to repeat the abuse for so many reasons from lack of development in coping skills to substance abuse, psychiatric issues, you name it.
I have also met many abuse survivors who do a 180 degree turn and go the exact opposite way which can be very damaging as well.
I am a survivor of extreme neglect, child sexual abuse, etc myself. I have found that for me to properly raise my children, it takes a continuous internal accountability and I am constantly looking for role models to look towards because I had none growing up. We must truly search for whats right rather than whats easy. Balance is key.
As to your question on the sado-masochism, I wouldn't say all those that practice it have abuse histories nor all abuse survivors practice it.
However, to answer your question literally as to if there's a connection between the two- ABSOLUTELY.
I find most survivors speak much more about the psychological dynamics of such experiences than the physical though.
Sometime's there is a desire to "feel more" because of physical dissociation but often it is the psychological mind needing to feel more.
I think to really understand it, it would help you to study and research what BDSM practitioners have to say about their mental/psychological experiences (really hearing what they are saying) and then contrast it with what happens sometimes mentally/psychologically when a young girl is raped/beaten by her father then loved on afterwards.
I must note here though that in it's purest form, BDSM is NOT abuse, it is an illsuion on the outside looking in.
The motives of the "bottom" may be a form of self abuse if the participant has psychological issues, but in the relationship, the person who appears vulnerable never gives up control, the right to say no or stop. The person on "top" only does what the "bottom" wants/allows.
When that line is crossed, it is abuse the same as any other sexual relationship.
Best Wishes to all,
